Survival Me Vs. Healing Me

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  Recently, I found myself reflecting on some of the names I've been called throughout my life. Guarded. Standoffish. Quiet. Distant. For years, I accepted those labels as personality traits. I assumed that was simply who I was. But healing has a way of revealing things we couldn't see before. As I've learned more about nervous system regulation, trauma, faith, emotional healing, and self-awareness, I've begun to wonder: What if I wasn't being guarded because it was my personality? What if I was surviving? When survival mode becomes your normal, you don't always recognize it. You learn to stay alert. You learn to protect yourself. You learn to keep parts of yourself hidden because somewhere along the way, vulnerability didn't feel safe. Over time, those protective behaviors can become so familiar that they begin to look like identity. But they aren't always the same thing. The truth is, many of us have spent years operating from protection rather than co...

I Was Running Only To End Up Where I Began - Full Circle

 


I Was Trying To Hide from God, But He Never Left Me

There was a time I didn’t want anything to do with what God was calling me to do. I was filled with fear, shame, and pride. I felt unworthy to speak, unqualified to be used, and too broken to be seen.

In the beginning, I was just embarrassed—ashamed of my past, my mistakes, my pain. I couldn’t imagine how anyone could see value in me, much less listen to me. And even though people did listen, the moment my faith got shaken, I pulled back. All the way back and everything went left.

I got good at hiding. I no longer wanted to be seen at all. My life felt destroyed, and so I convinced myself that I was disqualified. The truth? I knew of God, but I didn’t have a relationship with Him.

But He was calling me anyway.

Even in my silence, He whispered. Even in my shame, He waited. Even in my rebellion, He loved me.

I took the long way back—I mean I tried every way possible for me to try and went down rabbit hole after rabbit hole just to make sure there was nothing to gain, only confusion, but I made it. Glory to God!!

Now, I’m learning to walk with Him. To trust Him. To depend on Him fully. And the most beautiful part? I’m no longer running. I’m home.

 Hosea 11:4 (NLT)
“I led them with cords of kindness and love. I lifted the yoke from their neck, and I myself stooped to feed them.

Affirmation: Even when I hid, God still saw me. He called me by love, not by shame. And now I walk with Him—free and fully known.”  

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